& WHY THEY STAY?
& WHY THEY STAY?
"This person is so stupid!" They are totally being abused in their relationship!" Why don't they just leave?"
These are very common thoughts from those who do not understand abuse. Many feel that the abused is completely irresponsible because they do not leave. Unfortunately, leaving may sound simple, but there is more to this story that is too often left untold.
Variant of abuse. transitive verb abused, abusing
- to use wrongly; misuse: to abuse a privilege
- to hurt by treating badly; mistreat
- to inflict physical, sexual, or psychological harm upon
- to use insulting, coarse, or bad language about or to; revile
- wrong, bad, or excessive use
- mistreatment, esp. by the infliction of physical, sexual, or psychological harm; injury
- a bad, unjust, or corrupt custom or practice
- insulting or coarse language
- Obsolete deception
(THE DEFINITION ABOVE IS REFERENCED FROM: http://www.yourdictionary.com/abuser)
"LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND
(1 Corinthians 13:4)."
4. LOW SELF-ESTEEM
SELF-ESTEEM self–es·teem noun \-ə-ˈstēm\
- A confidence and satisfaction in oneself : self-respect
- Low self-esteem is an important contributor to an individual believing they are incapable of leaving the abuser. A person with low-self esteem, or confidence, does not feel deserving of a partner who will treat them with love and respect.
THE DEFINITION ABOVE IS REFERENCED FROM:
How does a person develop low self-esteem?
- People are not born with low-self esteem. This is something that is taught in several forms. Individuals struggling with confidence, typically originate from environments where they have either watched a loved one being abused, or have been the victim. The predators are usually authority figures (i.e. parents, aunts, uncles, teachers..etc). The horrific treatment from an adult to a child, has lifelong affects. Growing up in this toxic environment can ultimately lead an individual to believe that "abuse" is normal. They seek partners similar to their abuser, never realizing it.
- Worthless, useless and not good enough, is communicated to the victim in earlier years, either through the derogatory use of words or physical harm. However.....
LOW-SELF ESTEEM CAN OFTEN BE BROUGHT ON BY THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
- Constantly degrading a person within a relationship will automatically tear away an individuals self-esteem. In many cases the abused becomes the abuser. The person who is the abuser, was probably formally abused and lack confidence. Their self-esteem is so low that they may become abusive because they fear rejection. Someone leaving a relationship is the ultimate rejection. This becomes the beginning of abuse.The predator is convinced that the only way to have anyone remain in a relationship with them, is to hurt them. If someone has the power to hurt another, they have the ultimate power, control.
"I can not leave without him/her!" "I am not good enough and I need this person."
- This is always the main goal of any abuser. If their victim feels that they can not live without their abuser, they are less likely to leave.
HOW DOES THE ABUSER ACHIEVE THIS CONTROL?
- BY ISOLATING THE VICTIM FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, NORMAL ACTIVITIES, WORK
- MISINFORMING THE VICTIM OF REALITY, I.E. CONTROLLING ALL OF THE FINANCES, AND CONSTANTLY LYING
- Guilt is a feeling that you have done something wrong or bad or let someone down, or the state of having broken a law
- When you feel bad about lying to your husband, this is an example of a time when you feel guilt.
- When you are arrested and you are sent to prison after a trial, this is an example of a time when a prosecutor has proved your guilt.
- To guilt is to try to make someone feel bad or coerce someone into doing something by making him feel bad. (verb).
- When you tell your friend over and over how sad and disappointed you will be if she does not come to your party, this is an example of a time when you try to guilt her into coming to your party.
(THE DEFINITION ABOVE IS REFERENCED FROM:
- Abusers are notorious for making the abused feel always wrong. Guilt, is a control mechanism. Many people who feel guilty stay because of a false sense of obligation. It is almost like they are atoning for their sins.
- When someone is abused, they are so controlled by the abuser, they may often become too scared too leave. Sometimes they are physically threatened by their partner.
"If you leave me, I will kill you!"
"If you leave me, I will hurt our family!"
- Words like these are all too familiar with a person who is a victim of abuse. Many stay for self-preservation and protection of their family.
"If anything happens, it is my fault!!!" Right?
- Abusers are mass manipulators, seeking every chance they can get, to hold their victim captive. This allows the abuser to feel powerful and creates a false sense of self-esteem.
1. THE ABUSED IS UNAWARE
- Because the victim is brainwashed and manipulated into thinking they are always wrong. they can become blind to the trauma that is unfolding before their eyes. Naturally, being isolated, their is no one to seek help, advice or lean on. The abuser is now fully in control.
BOTH SIDES ARE VICTIMS......
- The abuser generally is the product of being abused. It is very common to discover that these people have gone through traumatic experiences. If these issues are unsolved, an abuser is created.
For more information, please refer to the following link:
HOW YOU CAN HELP?
- Change your way of thinking. Realize that the victim of abuse has been mentally damaged. Research abuse and speak with people who are open with their own past experiences of abuse.
- Talk to your friend and listen to what they have to say. They have likely not come to the personal conclusion that something is wrong within their relationship. Admittance is always the first step to recovery. If your friend can not recognize their is a problem, they are not ready to begin the healing process.
ENCOURAGE AND DO NOT JUDGE:
- Abused individuals suffer from low self-esteem. They do not need additional criticism from other people. Do not point out all of the terrible things within their relationship, this will only put a strain on your relationship. REMEMBER, they are still under the abusers control, mentally.
- Tell them they are smart and wonderful. Always behave in an appropriate manner when you are socializing with other people. Naturally, humans always compare their lives to one another. If the abused recognizes a healthy pattern of relationships, they will began to analyze their own situation.
WRITTEN BY: TE-SHANDRA HASKETT, MBA
THERE IS HOPE.
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off (Proverbs 23:18)."
Authors note: If you are currently in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to get help immediately. It is very unhealthy to remain involved with a person who is destructive. And, if you are abusing someone, please get help. Below. are a few websites that can help you identify abusive behavior. It is time to take a stand. Do not wait any longer.....GET HELP.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ON ABUSE:http://www.thehotline.org/
PLEASE FORWARD, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS....